It’s the first week of January, and that means registration for Squam opened today. I was at the Post Office ten minutes after they opened, handing over my envelope.
It’s still a long time and a lot of waiting from January to June, but once you know for sure you’re registered, the going becomes more real, and for me it feels like something small I can take out of your pocket and pet when I need a reminder that there are good things coming up.
If all goes as requested, I am taking a photo class and knitwear design class. Those both fit snugly into the path I am trying to build for myself. We’ll see when my registration gets there if it is meant to be.
As always, I am looking forward to my time in the woods. This year will be different – although the friends I have gone with many time are still going to, I’ve chosen to share a cabin with other friends, ones that I met there in years past. Although I love my friends to pieces, I am finding the thought of changing things up to be profoundly exciting, like I am shedding a protective shell that had grown a little too confining, and stretching out to embrace a new experience. I am a little afraid that I will have hurt my friends’ feelings with this choice, and hopeful that they will recognize that it has less to do with them and more to do with me, and wanting to grow into something new.
Far more than simply rooming with new people, I am taking an even bigger leap with my Squam experience this year. For the first time, Elizabeth is taking the Squam experience to foreign shores (Can it still BE Squam if it’s not AT Squam? I guess we’ll find out!). In October, Squam takes a vacation to Italy, and I am going there too!
All by myself. And I’ve spent all day moving back and forth between being wildly excited and completely freaked out at the thought of going to a workshop all on my own. This is all the funnier if you know that I’ve spent the past three years convincing people that it would be just fine for them to do the very same thing and join us in the woods of New Hampshire without knowing a soul in the camp. Yet, when it is time for me to do it myself, I am a giant ball of anxiety.
But Italy has been at the very top of my travel list for years. It’s been there for so long that it was starting to intimidate me – that only the “perfect” vacation would be right, that if I couldn’t go for long enough or visit the right places or stay in the right kind of hotel, that I just wouldn’t go because it wouldn’t be everything I’ve hoped and dreamed. How damn crazy is that? So, despite having a million reason that it might not end up working out, I added Italy into my registration envelope last night and popped it off in the mail this morning, before I had a chance to have second thoughts and use my fear as an excuse to keep myself small.
And it is going to be awesome.