I often forget that things cannot be as "perfect" as you want them to be, something which causes a lot of stress if I let it. Today, after finding my son building a fort with the blocking mat pieces I brought home from the shop, in a moment of weakness, I pulled myself into my bedroom and cried for 5 minutes.
When my husband noticed I had disappeared, he asked, "What's going on?" I explained that I didn't want cat hair all over blocking mats, which led to him saying that the cats had already had a field day rubbing their faces all over them. As he talked, I realized, that wasn't the only thing that was bothering me. So, of course, tears welled up in my eyes again.
"Ok, now what?" my husband asks.
"That's not the only thing bothering me," I say.
"What else is it?" To which I respond with the next thing that happens across my brain - I am a bit overwhelmed with Vincent being so ornery lately. And Mr. Fix-It responds with, "Well, I gave you a list of day cares and pre-schools, why don't you call and set something up for Vincent?"
I shook my head, knowing that tomorrow I'll feel differently, because I just cannot seem to give up my little peanut. And then, another wave of tears hits me. "Did you just save a pile of issues to deal with?" my husband asks. I shook my head.
"Next thing?"
"Nothing," I say. "Same s**t, different day."
"You want another baby, don't you?" and I sheepishly shook my head. He smiled, rubbed my back, and made a promise to me - it won't happen right now, but, he'd agree that another one can come along. Something we haven't been able to agree on for a LONG time.
The moral of the story is...no one is perfect.
In spite of my fear of losing another battle with anxiety, the anxiety still gets the best of me from time to time. Right now, I choose to think of it as: I've been working very hard for the past several months, all hoping to find that perfect, happy place.
Perhaps it's not perfection that I seek, not happiness, but satisfaction. Satisfaction that my time has been well-spent. That my son is comfortable and content (he'd be happy living in a cardboard box, as long as it was warm and had mommy and daddy by his side...let's face it, kids are pretty easily amused at age 3). That my shop continues to grow.
What have I done so far this year:
- Helped proof a pattern book
- Released a 2-pattern e-book
- Gone on vacation
- Knit 5 projects from beginning to end
- Finished another project in hibernation
- Worked on a few designs
- Hosted my best friend's bridal shower
- Was Maid of Honor in my best friend's wedding
And the usual day to day stuff...I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Oh well, at least everyone had a good time and things turned out great!
Yes, I'm more than happy to add a newborn into the mix if and when the time comes, but for now, I'm working on being content with my work and staying healthy for all the things I have in front of me. I'll even continue to shower Peanut with hugs and kisses every day while we enjoy our daily dance party in the shop (it's a great way to start the day or break up the monotony of a slow day). :)
